i'm mad
I’m listening to “Breathe On Me Now” by Kathryn Scott…over and over and over. Hoping it will help.
I am really mad at God. Ok, there I said it. Now, is this the place to talk about it? I’ve thought about that a lot and figured it is. Because, people who read this hear might be able to understand what I mean. So, here goes…yesterday I just felt so mad at God. It’s like, ok, I’m 34 years old…basically I have no job, I don’t have a house, I only have a car because my mom gave me one. I have an apartment that I have no idea how long I’ll be able to stay in because I am not sure where the rent money is going to come from in a couple of months. David is moving into a cute 3-bedroom 2.5 bath house with a GREAT backyard, huge living room, and huge kitchen/dining area. Ryan will love it. He’ll never want to come here and see me. Truly, he’ll want to be at David’s all the time because of the yard. So I’m mad at God because David, who doesn’t even go to church, or believe in God, has this stuff and I don’t. It’s like, ok, God, I’m praying more, I’m reading my bible more, I’m opening up more when I worship, I’m doing more at church, I’m going to the bible studies…and what is it doing for me???? Nothing. Plain old nothing. David even asked me if I wanted to move into the house…same as it is now, just roommates. I know that may be hard for some people to believe, because yes, we had a relationship once and share a child. But believe me, there is nothing more there. So, I’m thinking ok, is it wrong? Why would it be wrong? In God’s eyes. Because I’d have my own room, David has his room. So what is wrong with just being roommates? Well, probably nothing except that David and I aren’t nice to each other, we don’t like each other and I get totally, totally mad at him and freak out all the time. Then we fight and Ryan sees it and it’s just not good, not good at all. Plus, with my credit, if I move out of this place I’ll probably never be able to get another place by myself and then I’m stuck. And that’s not where I want to be. I don’t want to be stuck. Yes, it would be great if David and I and Ryan could be a family. That’s how it’s supposed to be, but in our case it just won’t work. David doesn’t go to church, wont’ go to church and can’t stand it when I go. Or when I go to mom’s bible study or when I go to “Presenting Alfred Hitchcock” cuz. So it’s like, yeah, right, ain’t happening. So back to why I’m mad at God. It’s like what is believing in God and doing all these things getting me??? NOTHING. So what is the point? Truly here, what is the point? It’s a lot easier to not follow God. So why should I? I know all the reasons…but it’s so hard right now. I just want to get in my car and drive away and not come back. Don’t know where I would go or what I would do, but at least I’d be away from here.
I am really mad at God. Ok, there I said it. Now, is this the place to talk about it? I’ve thought about that a lot and figured it is. Because, people who read this hear might be able to understand what I mean. So, here goes…yesterday I just felt so mad at God. It’s like, ok, I’m 34 years old…basically I have no job, I don’t have a house, I only have a car because my mom gave me one. I have an apartment that I have no idea how long I’ll be able to stay in because I am not sure where the rent money is going to come from in a couple of months. David is moving into a cute 3-bedroom 2.5 bath house with a GREAT backyard, huge living room, and huge kitchen/dining area. Ryan will love it. He’ll never want to come here and see me. Truly, he’ll want to be at David’s all the time because of the yard. So I’m mad at God because David, who doesn’t even go to church, or believe in God, has this stuff and I don’t. It’s like, ok, God, I’m praying more, I’m reading my bible more, I’m opening up more when I worship, I’m doing more at church, I’m going to the bible studies…and what is it doing for me???? Nothing. Plain old nothing. David even asked me if I wanted to move into the house…same as it is now, just roommates. I know that may be hard for some people to believe, because yes, we had a relationship once and share a child. But believe me, there is nothing more there. So, I’m thinking ok, is it wrong? Why would it be wrong? In God’s eyes. Because I’d have my own room, David has his room. So what is wrong with just being roommates? Well, probably nothing except that David and I aren’t nice to each other, we don’t like each other and I get totally, totally mad at him and freak out all the time. Then we fight and Ryan sees it and it’s just not good, not good at all. Plus, with my credit, if I move out of this place I’ll probably never be able to get another place by myself and then I’m stuck. And that’s not where I want to be. I don’t want to be stuck. Yes, it would be great if David and I and Ryan could be a family. That’s how it’s supposed to be, but in our case it just won’t work. David doesn’t go to church, wont’ go to church and can’t stand it when I go. Or when I go to mom’s bible study or when I go to “Presenting Alfred Hitchcock” cuz. So it’s like, yeah, right, ain’t happening. So back to why I’m mad at God. It’s like what is believing in God and doing all these things getting me??? NOTHING. So what is the point? Truly here, what is the point? It’s a lot easier to not follow God. So why should I? I know all the reasons…but it’s so hard right now. I just want to get in my car and drive away and not come back. Don’t know where I would go or what I would do, but at least I’d be away from here.
posted by Stephanie @ 3/04/2006 12:46:00 PM
7 Comments:
At 5:25 PM,
georgia said…
Stephanie, I wish I could tell you that it is always easy being a Christian and that you'll never face problems or difficult choices when you take a stand for God. I have lived through many situations that were so difficult to go through. Some of them I could see that I brought on myself. Others I don't know why they happened. But I do know that as I went through them, the decision to stay true to God was what enabled me to face these problems and eventually conquer them. In hindsight I can see that God used those situations to bring me a maturity and wisdom and insight that I would have never gained had I taken the easy way out. So I can truly say that I am grateful to God for what He has done in my life, largely through these difficult situations. If I had turned my back on Him because of them, I never would have experienced the greater blessings that He brought into my life. James 1:2-4
Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. [3] For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. [4] So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.
At 5:37 PM,
TimmyMac said…
I understand your feelings having been there myself many times. One time years ago I got so mad at God I took the kleenex I was crying in and threw it towards the ceiling at him. Of course it just came floating gently back down to earth.
Obviously this isn't something anyone can "fix" for you and I'm confident you don't expect that as you are just venting.
This may sound strange, but I want you to consider a question that (believe it or not) may help you sort through all of this. View this like some kind of exercise one might do in a support group or something.
Here is the question;
If God was like a genie (he's not, of course) and told you that he would grant you one wish and one wish only, anything you wanted, what would you wish for? Remember, just one thing.
Thinking through this question should help you determine what your #1 priority in life is and once you determine that you may be pleasantly surprised to find the Holy Spirit is already at work. You'll be reminded that everything else you may want, though important, still takes second place to this number one thing.
I hope you find this helpful and not just weird.
Please let me know if this is not helpful as it will be a good reminder for me to mind my own business. :-)
At 9:44 PM,
Jeni said…
Steph--I completely understand where you're coming from, and I've been there. I've been to a point where I've been so mad at God that I wanted to be able to walk away and have nothing more to do with him. For me, though, I couldn't do it because I felt that I couldn't know what I know about God and live any other way. And even after that, I found myself mad at God again and again. I was mad because I couldn't marry who I wanted to marry. I was mad because right when things started going well with paying off my debt, something would happen and I'd fall behind again. I was mad because the people around me seemed to have thing so much easier than me--like they just had things handed to them... but they didn't have God. And at some point I had to stop comparing myself to them and let God give me happiness despite all the things that aren't what I always thought they would be. And no matter how many times people tell you that right now, it probably won't help. The only thing that will really help is time. The more time you are with God, the more comfortable you will become with what he has for YOU personally. If I had some great insight that would make everything better, I would definitely give it to you--but I don't--what I do have to give you is my friendship. Seriously--I know it sounds cheesy, but if you need someone to talk to, get my number from your mom and give me a call! I'll just listen to you vent, or pray with you, or whatever. Because I know the worst thing you can do when you're angry with God is to sit around alone, fuming about it. Yeah, anyway------I think that's about it from me! :)
At 7:08 AM,
Stephanie said…
georgia, tim, and jeni - thank you so much! all three of you have come up with things that help! so keep helping!
At 8:54 AM,
JayBird said…
i'm a bit late on this one. the previous comments are sufficient & wise. i'm sorry that you're hurting so much right now. i pray peace/contentment over you & the willingness to "stand firm." please know that if you allow this "storm" to toss you around, you've succumbed to the perpetual/cyclical problem that keeps you in bondage. take a stand that the "buck stops here" & lean on Jesus for everything. hope this doesn't sound like preaching. i'm hoping that you know where i'm coming from on this. i truly empathize & relate to your anger. a mixture of bad choices (free will) & life on earth- & crap happens. hang-in, hold-on, - Jesus loves you & will test/grow you- you will understand at some later date- trust me. btw, God has no problem w/you being mad @ Him. just be careful not to let your anger go into resentment & bitterness (sin).
At 12:39 PM,
digapigmy said…
a couple things - and i will try to keep this short.
first - about the boy. being on the other side of this with step-daughters, i can attest to something. nothing replaces the fact that you are mom. the boy will love being with you just because of that. they really don't care what kind of stuff you have until they hit their teens - and by then they don't like who they're living with anymore. make a point of taking him to the park if you don't have a big back yard. take advantage of the small space by eating and reading books together and always being near him. that means a lot more than the other stuff. he'll love to see you, it does not matter where you live.
second - this is the harder part of your post. i will attempt to not come down all superior on you and try to relate this with my experience. my wife and i had extremely bad credit when we moved to reno. it was frustrating that we couldn't get a lot of the things we needed/wanted on credit because of this, but in all fairness we knew that we had made horrible decisions that led to our credit being like it was. we spent a lot of time being unhappy with 4 kids and an apartment. the time we spent being discontented were horrible times for us and our relationship with God and each other. as my wife will tell you, it took her a longer time to come to a place where she was OK with what God had given us and stopped comparing herself to everyone who had more than she did. amazingly, once she could honestly say (and mean) that she was thankful for what we had did we manage to come into some good things that were totally God's doing. the thing that really helped both of us through it was the idea that if we couldn't be thankful, content, and bless others when God gave us a little - why would he give us more. that doesn't mean that if you "get happy" God will buy you a house. in reality, it means that if we didn't have a house right now, we would be OK with that - and that's what really matters because you never know what the future holds.
our prayers are with you.
At 8:51 AM,
Stephanie said…
see - i KNEW this was the right place to post this!!! you guys are all great! thank you so much for your prayers and your thoughts! i love you all!! :)
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