as said by my two and a half year old

ryan is sick again - another cold! yuck!! anyway...he was trying to breathe in through his nose and he couldn't cuz it was all stuffed up...so he says, 'my nose doesn't work very well!' it was sooo cute!

hey...is this heaven?

no, this is iowa. (from the movie field of dreams in case you didn't know)













so the other day on klove i heard something about how when we get to heaven we are going to have to work. and that like, by what we do here on earth, that will determine how much responsibility we have. i was like what? i'd never heard that before! so of course, i called mom!! :) she laughingly said, 'what? did you think you'd just be sitting around in a lounge chair?'
and i was like, 'yeah, i guess so'! lol. but when i really got to thinking about it...i never really thought of what it was going to be like in heaven!! mom mentioned something about crowns and jewels!! oh yeah! i'm gonna wear a crown!! woo hoo!! i've been telling everyone that i'm a princess...ha ha!

so anyway...i've just never thought about what it's going to be like in heaven. have you? if so, what did you think?

mom gave me a book called "heaven" by daniel brown...not dan brown (author of the da vinci code) but daniel a. brown, ph.d. i'll let you know how it is!

sleeping on the job

ok...here's a funny story for you!

i was up at the lake - north shore - and i had to use the restroom before we drove back down...well we stopped at the nugget - ok, if you've never been there...let me try to explain it to you...this place is TINY!! you walk in and you can see every part of the building. so i'm walking in thinking, 'i hope the bathroom isn't closed for cleaning'...and guess what?!?!?!?!? i walk to it and there is the little sign that says 'restroom closed for cleaning'. i could not believe it!! so i ask the cocktail waitress how long it's usually closed and she was like oh 5 minutes or so. so i'm standing by the entrance doing the 'dance' wondering how long it's going to be closed. i can't hear anything from the restroom - nothing - like no water running or any 'cleaning' sounds - so i decide to go in and ask how long it's going to be before it's open again. i walk in and in the stall is this older hispanic man sitting on the toilet...asleep!!!! he had the key to the toilet paper holder in his one hand and the new toilet paper roll in his other hand. he had fallen asleep right in the middle of changing the roll!!!! i guess i woke him up when i walked in cuz he kinda jumped and then was speaking to me in spanish (no clue what he said) and then he almost ran out and took the sign with him.

so, he's sleeping on the job, on the toilet, in the ladies restroom!! yikes!

leaning on God

that's what i'm trying to do. david is basically all moved out - he has the great house and yada yada yada - all what i said in the previous post. but guess what? it hurts. yeah, even though we aren't nice to each other, we've still been together for almost 4 years - well sort of - i mean the last year we have lived in the same house but different rooms and no relationship. in the back of my mind i always hoped we'd be able to work things out and that everything would end up hunky dory...but it hasn't - and it isn't. i'm trying hard to lean on God, when all i really want to do is give up and give in and try to be want david wants. even though it's not who i am and not who i want to be. sorry for whining...but i need to get this out! it's so hard to try to explain to people...i wanted the fairy tale...and didn't get it. i truly think sometimes that i'm meant to be alone...really. i know people tell me, 'no, we aren't meant to be alone'. but i think i am. really. ok, enough whining...again, pray for me that i get through this by turning to God. i'm praying LOTS!!

i'm having an issue...lol...

where's my tissue??

ok, i'm having a very hard time with temptation right now...there isn't any other word for it. i know what decision God wants me to make...the God decision...and that's the one i want to make. i'm sticking to it...but let me tell you...it's HARD!! the God decision is one that will take some effort on my part...the other decision would be so easy...hence the temptation to go the easy way. so i'm asking for prayer from you all. the more the better!!

do you have someone like this in your life?

ok...so...i have this person in my life who is not a believer...or at least they aren't a follower. i know i am to witness to this person...but every time i do, they fight with me...ok, they question me and i get so mad that i can't even talk to them. then we end up arguing and they are like, 'you're supposed to be kind. you're going to hell cuz you can't keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect to be forgiven'. meaning not being nice and so on and so forth. so then i get even MORE mad and it becomes this HUGE fight and i say things i KNOW i shouldn't say. it's like they antagonize me on purpose. and i end up acting like i know i shouldn't.

anyone else have someone in their life like this? if so, what do you do?

help!! i want to figure out how to stop this!! yes, not associating with this person would work...but it's not possible. associating with them less is possible. i pray and i pray and i pray...and it still happens. any specific scripture references would be great!

here i am at starbucks

ah...so relaxing! i love it here!! plus, now that kari works here...it's even better! i'm drinking a grande cinnamon dolce latte...yummy!! now that the scene is set...onto my prattle.

i'm so glad that i wrote about being mad. i knew that this would be the right place to vent. all the comments helped me. thank you all so much! plus, i went deeper into prayer and deeper into worship and of course that helped as well.

mom has mentioned that i'm at a crossroads...the place i'm in now is from decisions i've made in my past. the direction i choose to go now is going to put into motion a lot of different things. i can make a God centered decision or a not God centered decision. i'm choosing to make a God centered decision!!

Heavenly Father,
thank You for being my provider, my protector, my father. You are awesome!! thank You for giving me mercy and grace...when i don't deserve them. i want to follow after You, Lord. i want to put my trust and life in Your hands. You are my everything. Thank You, Lord. Thank You.
Amen!

i'm mad

I’m listening to “Breathe On Me Now” by Kathryn Scott…over and over and over. Hoping it will help.

I am really mad at God. Ok, there I said it. Now, is this the place to talk about it? I’ve thought about that a lot and figured it is. Because, people who read this hear might be able to understand what I mean. So, here goes…yesterday I just felt so mad at God. It’s like, ok, I’m 34 years old…basically I have no job, I don’t have a house, I only have a car because my mom gave me one. I have an apartment that I have no idea how long I’ll be able to stay in because I am not sure where the rent money is going to come from in a couple of months. David is moving into a cute 3-bedroom 2.5 bath house with a GREAT backyard, huge living room, and huge kitchen/dining area. Ryan will love it. He’ll never want to come here and see me. Truly, he’ll want to be at David’s all the time because of the yard. So I’m mad at God because David, who doesn’t even go to church, or believe in God, has this stuff and I don’t. It’s like, ok, God, I’m praying more, I’m reading my bible more, I’m opening up more when I worship, I’m doing more at church, I’m going to the bible studies…and what is it doing for me???? Nothing. Plain old nothing. David even asked me if I wanted to move into the house…same as it is now, just roommates. I know that may be hard for some people to believe, because yes, we had a relationship once and share a child. But believe me, there is nothing more there. So, I’m thinking ok, is it wrong? Why would it be wrong? In God’s eyes. Because I’d have my own room, David has his room. So what is wrong with just being roommates? Well, probably nothing except that David and I aren’t nice to each other, we don’t like each other and I get totally, totally mad at him and freak out all the time. Then we fight and Ryan sees it and it’s just not good, not good at all. Plus, with my credit, if I move out of this place I’ll probably never be able to get another place by myself and then I’m stuck. And that’s not where I want to be. I don’t want to be stuck. Yes, it would be great if David and I and Ryan could be a family. That’s how it’s supposed to be, but in our case it just won’t work. David doesn’t go to church, wont’ go to church and can’t stand it when I go. Or when I go to mom’s bible study or when I go to “Presenting Alfred Hitchcock” cuz. So it’s like, yeah, right, ain’t happening. So back to why I’m mad at God. It’s like what is believing in God and doing all these things getting me??? NOTHING. So what is the point? Truly here, what is the point? It’s a lot easier to not follow God. So why should I? I know all the reasons…but it’s so hard right now. I just want to get in my car and drive away and not come back. Don’t know where I would go or what I would do, but at least I’d be away from here.

ugh...court...continued

well, i plead not guilty...then i had to wait for the "d.a. for the day" to talk to me...then after that i still have to go to a trial. ugh...what a mess. even this morning...when i got up...i wanted to just go in and pay the fine...just to not get into the whole mess of this. but, i guess i'm actually standing up for what i think is right...sheesh. it's so much easier to "go with the flow". i can't even think of what to type here...my brain is kinda fried. trial isn't until march 31. believe me...i'll me looking up the law to figure out if i'm right or not....SIGH.